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| Things were going right, for the first time in a while, going right.
Nothing can go right for a long time in my life, never can I have a good day without something bad happening.
I thought by the time I'd reached 15, my life would be on track, I'd have a nice boyfriend, go out shopping with mates every week-end, and me and my parennts would get along fine, I dreamt about how my life would be when I was older. Oh Lord ! It wasn't worth the dreaming ...
I feel as miserable as ever, okay, I'm going into town tomorrow with two friends, but I still feel miserable when I think about things, I know it's not good to dwell on things, but then recent events make me dwell on them more. The good old days, when everything was perfect. From January 2009 till April 2009, those were the most perfect months of my life, everything went so smoothly.
I wish I could just start everything all over again ...
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| Life was great, I was getting closer to "him" again, I was having a great time with my friends, people were complimenting me, teachers were getting me to do stuff for them, they were depending on me, I felt really responsable, almost grown-up.
But sometimes, having everything isn't always great.
Because when you have everything, you want to keep it, you need to, it's what keeps you going, knowing that you've got a great life ... but what if "he" tries to make you jealous, like you made him jealous, what if you feel so desperate to keep the compliments coming, to boost your self confidence, you'd do anything, what if the teachers depending on you to do things for them stressed you, because you finally wanted someone to be proud of you ?
The last week has been just that for me. I've been putting myself under pressure, and I am still under pressure. People are putting me under pressure. It's stressing me out. I just want someone to be proud of me, and up until last week, people were starting to be. I ruined everything.
I might sound over dramatic, I admit, I do, but in my head, when I'm upset about things, this is how it seems to me, plain and simple. I am saying what comes straight out of my head, not always the best option, but I hope someone on here might possibly just know how I feel.
Two examples with the teachers, ok so in music, we have to sing for tests, and people who play instruments can play with the class, since my music teacher is actually my ex piano teacher, she always wants me to play. So first song of the year, went amazingly well, (and I was very anxious about that one because before the summer vacation, I was asked to play a piece she taught me in front of the whole class, I was very nervous, I didn't want to let her down, because it would've looked bad as she was my piano teacher, it went horribly wrong), next song, more difficult, and since my class was mucking around she gave us the singing test a week or two too early, I was not ready at all, plus this was the first time I played with the class, and each group didn't sing in time with the music so they finished the piece before I did, then I heard people whispering about my playing and I thought "Daamn, I've really let her down haven't I?" and just burst into tears, and it wouldn't stop, I tried to, and I couldn't. Now, normally, I'm not one to cry in public, if I have to cry, I hold it all in, until I get home, lock myself in my room, listen to music, and let it all come out, but I just couldn't stop. Everyone was in shock, because they all knew that normally (even though you wouldn't think it reading this blog haha), I'm a happy person, optimistic. My teacher told me in the end to stop putting so much pressure on myself, and one of the other teachers who got told about this did too, but I'm hopeless, I just like pleasing people. Well, actually, first she said I was tired, and I kept saying "No I'm not tired, no I'm not tired!" so she came up with that in the end. The next example is in French and there was this spelling competition for the region, where our teacher reads out a text and we have to obviously write it without making any mistakes. Since in my last dictation I got 20/20, my teacher was talking to me about it as if she thought I was going to win. The day came, I thought I did ok, got it back today, 8 mistakes (so 4th in my year). I was okay with that at first, until she said "Well you could've done better." but not in a jokey way, but she looked disappointed, I mean, what the hell does she expect me to do ? Yes, I probably made a few silly mistakes but doesn't everyone ? I'm not even French (whilst everyone else in my class obviously is, apart from this thai boy) ! The thai boy of course, when he makes 15 mistakes and he's been in France 2 years more than I have, doesn't get any comment from the teacher, but me, who comes fourth in my year gets that, I don't get it ? Yes the thai writing is completely different, but he has been in France 2 years longer than I have, he was put into a French family, where he had to learn French, he had no choice.
But I felt annoyed, fourth isn't bad, at least I didn't get 47 mistakes like another guy in my class, the guy with 47 mistakes didn't get a comment like that.
On top of all this, my music teacher wants me to play with my class in the school's singing competition (each class has to sing a song), in front of the whole school (teachers and students), oh greeaaat ! Doesn't look like I've got much choice, after last week's episode, this really clever girl in my class went to ask my music teacher for a sheet for La Marseillaise (yes, of all songs she had to choose for our class, she chose that one!) and my music teacher said to her she was choosing me to play in front of the whole school ! What ?
Ooh well, I'm asking her for help with La Marseillaise tomorrow, I don't want to f*ck it all up in front of the whole school ...
Ttfn !
xxx
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| I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts
Oh seems like I finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that's feels
Oh it's like you know me better than I ever knew myself It's all going back to where we left off. We're talking now at least once a day, we're laughing about silly things, and everything's getting back to normal.
It's like nothing's changed, he sticks up for me, like I've never hurt him, he compliments me, like nothing's happened, and makes me laugh, like he has always done before.
Pieces Of Me is one of my favourite love songs, it's not your typical mushy love song, that makes you want to cry, this is one that makes you want to go and sing around your bedroom, or just hum whilst thinking of that special someone. This someone really knows you, and knows what's going through your mind. With a particular someone (and sometimes it's not the case with other people), you feel they really do know.
I was thinking the other day, how lucky I am to be surrounded by amazing people, who I love, and love me too, who are always there no matter what, I was thinking "Wow I must of done something amazing to deserve them!"
I'm just really happy right now, too happy to write, does that make sense ?
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| Just know that you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me that you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Lets just go back, back, back, back, back to the start I hate it when people grow apart. You seem shocked, they've been together as friends or even in a relationship forever . . . and then fate pulls them apart somehow.
It's happened quite a lot to me friendship wise, but in most cases it felt like I was the only one trying to save the friendship, like with my best friend, Katy, from primary school, I tried to stay in touch when we left the school (and those months were the last four months before I left the country), but I got the impression she wasn't interested. One of my other closest friends tried to keep us connected but in the end I said to her, "Look Jaz, she's not answering the phone, and I've tried getting in touch with her, let's just leave it for now." Part of me wants to dial Katy's number, and see if it still works, hear her on the other end, laugh like old times about the silliest of things, and gossip like we did when we were 11, but I'm scared. Why scared? I'm worried that she might of changed so much, that we might not be able to laugh and gossip like we did 3 years ago, I'm worried that the Katy I adored for 7 years, might not be the same. I have met up with Jaz and Katy about 2 times since leaving the country, but since our holidays are not the same I have to meet them at the bus stop, for about a 10 minute chat before they leave for school.
I was looking at my primary school website a few minutes ago, and I don't recognize it, everything's just changed. Well, already, the brilliant headmaster who was there, who everyone loved, left, but he left when my year did, and was replaced by a lady, the school councillors helped make the choice, but a student said to me "You're so lucky to have left when you did, I do not like the new lady." I looked at the subjects and clubs, the school calendar, and everything's changed, it's no longer the school I was at more than 3 years ago, if I went back there (which I hope I will one day, when my holidays aren't the same as theirs and I'm in England), I know I'll feel really out of touch, really odd, but I'd love just to see everything all over again, even if the people who are in their last year would've been too young to remember me, I'd love just to see everyone and everything again.
For the guy I was talking about two posts ago, I think everything's all sorted for sure now, just a few more steps, and we'll be back where we were, I have prayed, even if I'm not all that religious, that things will be back to the way they were. One of my friends said to me yesterday, "He seems pretty obsessed with you, seriously." Which made me feel warm inside. I've got to just keep smiling, keep talking and keep being positive, and believe. There's absolutely no use at all in moping around.
I know, that in these posts, I seem really depressed, but actually, I'm really happy at the moment, life's going well, and I'm happy, and the people all around me are too, so that's what counts.
No point in dwelling on the past, we're in the present ... No point in worrying about the future either ...
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| People are people and sometimes it doesn't work
Nothing we can say is going to save us from the fall out
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing that I know like the back of my hand
'Cause I can't breathe, without you but I have to
Breathe, without you but I have to ... I can always relate to a Taylor Swift song, I love how she can write sad songs, about leaving someone, songs that make you want to jump around your room about your crush (you all know which one I'm talking about) or songs that just mouth off guys all together. The song "Breathe" by Taylor Swift and featuring Colbie Caillat is probably one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard, tears streamed down my face when I first heard it, everyone can think of a situation to go with the song, saying goodbye to someone or something, even though you don't want to, but you have to. The lyrics are beautiful, and get you thinking about that someone or something you had or have to say goodbye to. "I see your face in my mind as I drive away, 'cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way", you didn't want things to end the way they did, and now it's time to say goodbye. I listened to it throughout the whole of my summer vacation, and there are some songs you can get sick of hearing, but I love listening to it, sometimes when I'm down, it lets all my emotions come out and I just cry whilst thinking of the signification of the lyrics, and sometimes I smile, whilst thinking "Wow, what an amazing song." I know I'm going on about just some "lame song" but for me, I have this connection with it.
The lyrics in italics at the beginning of this article are my favourites, people make things happen, and these things aren't always good, and in the end, we have to leave that someone or something that's very important to us, and it's never simple, never easy. How can we start afresh ("Never a clean break[...]") when all we can think about is that someone or something, you feel out of your depth, like you can't breathe, even though it's necessary.
It's always hard moving on, from a particular person, thing, or an era of our lives that we got so used to. Sometimes you just think "What if?", but you realise, moving on was meant to be, it has to happen one time or another. This song is just very important to me and I felt I had to write an article on it today ... | | |
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